Full-Length Play

Published and licensed by DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE.

Brilliant professors can be rank amateurs in the field of self-knowledge.

Full script available at the National New Play Network's New Play Exchange (NPX). Click here.

Or see EXCERPT below.

LENGTH: 1 hour 50 minutes (plus intermission)

CAST: 6M, 3F (11 characters)

NOTE: Member of the Academy is a re-imagined--or alternate--version of ALL IN THE FACULTY, with fewer characters along with some other editorial changes.

Professor Ned Jenkins has a theory about the importance of watching movies over and over. North by Northwest and Citizen Kane are two of his favorites.

It's all in the faculty . . . We're a close-knit family here.

- Martha in WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOL? by Edward Albee.  

SETTING

Humbert College, a small liberal arts college overlooking Seneca Lake in Olmstead, NY.

TIME

The late 1990s

CHARACTERS

Professor Ned Jenkins. Articulate and amiable. 30s

Professor Marlene Bernstein. Ned's love interest. Funny yet sensitive. 30s.

Professor William ("The Duke") Duke. Opinionated and intimidating. 60s.

Professor Jock Richardson. Ned's rival for tenure and Marlene. Imperious. 30s.

Professor Alfred Giulliano. Ned's boss. Jocular and expressive. 50s.

Sarah Carter Giulliano. Alfred's wife. Cool and sexy. 30s.

Professor Randall ("Street") Streeter. Pompous but well meaning. 60s.

Professor Mary Dougherty. Hard-working and sincere. 60s

Professor Ralph Bukowski. Analytical and blunt. 40s

Grad Student. A devoted student of Ned's father. 40s.

President Ravenal ("Revy") Porter. Sympathetic but distracted. 40s.

MONOLOGUE PUBLISHED

A monologue from ALL IN THE FACULTY by William Ivor Fowkes is included in THE BEST WOMEN'S STAGE MONOLOGUES AND SCENES 2011, edited by Lawrence Harbison, Smith and Kraus Publishers, 2012.

CLICK HERE to purchase a copy of the book of monologues. 

HONOR

SEMI-FINALIST, Playwrights First Award, the National Arts Club, New York, NY, 2015.

READINGS

2013. The Unitarian Universalist Congregation at Shelter Rock, Manhasset, NY.

2009. Turtle Shell Theater, New York City.

EXCERPT:

PROLOGUE

Ned Jenkins stands at center stage looking out into the audience as if watching a movie being projected in the distance. Points up and out into the audience.

NED JENKINS

I always love this part! Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint are being chased down Mount Rushmore by James Mason and the other bad guys. 

Ned pantomimes the action he describes.

NED (CONT’D)

(excitedly)

Then she starts to slip, so he reaches down to grab her arm and tries to hold onto the rocks above him, but then one of the bad guys steps on his hand and it looks like he’ll never be able to hold on. But then there’s a shot and the bad guy falls and then—here—right here! He starts to pull her up and suddenly we cut to a train, and now he’s pulling her up into his bunk, about to—

(more calmly, almost demurely)

Well, you know the rest, I’m sure. I’ve seen this movie a dozen times, maybe more. You see, I’ve got this idea—well, it’s more than an idea. It’s going to be a book—a book that’s going to get me tenure on the faculty of a philosophy department at a college or university. I mean, it HAS to… Because…well, because my life’s ambition is to be a professor. And that means I have to get tenure—SOMEWHERE!

(slightly embarrassed to have exposed himself)

Anyway, the idea—my THESIS—is that watching a movie the second or third time around is necessarily a more profound experience—an aesthetically richer experience—than seeing it the first time. And I can prove this using the tools of phenomenology, structuralism, and semiotics. 

NED approaches the audience and speaks more confidentially.

NED (CONT’D)

The thing is—sometimes I can’t help thinking about my own life in the same way. If I could just sit back and watch it over and over again, maybe it would finally make sense. I don’t mean things would happen any differently—I’m not like that woman from Atlanta who kept watching Gone With the Wind over and over hoping the South would eventually win. No, my life is what it is. But the question is—what is it?

First, the basics. Name: Edward Jenkins—but everyone calls me Ned. Birthplace: New Haven, Connecticut. The only child of Norbert and Ruth Jenkins. You may have heard of Norbert—the distinguished professor of Comparative Literature at Yale—if you’re a member of the academy, that is. I have a few credentials of my own—graduated magna cum laude from Wesleyan, a PhD from Wisconsin. Taught at several colleges all over the Midwest. Then—well, I’m getting ahead of myself. 

This story isn’t just about me, anyway. It’s also about Humbert College in Olmstead, New York. You’ve heard of it, right? No, I didn’t think so. It’s got a good lacrosse team. A beautiful campus overlooking Seneca Lake in the heart of the Finger Lakes. And a faculty that’s—well, let’s just say they’re colorful. 

Professor Mary Margaret Dougherty, Professor Charles “Jock” Richardson, Professor Alfred Giulliano, Professor Ralph Bukowski, Professor William Duke, Professor Randall Streeter, and Sarah Giulliano step out on stage. They pose or mug in turn, as indicated.

NED (CONT’D)

Some of them are quite distinguished in their field. 

Mary nods demurely.

NED (CONT’D)

Some are a little pompous. 

Jock poses.

NED (CONT’D)

Some are larger than life. 

Alfred poses.

NED (CONT’D)

Some are small-minded. 

Ralph mugs.

NED (CONT’D)

Some drink a little too much—

The Duke reacts.

NED (CONT’D)

—or a lot! 

Street reacts.

NED (CONT’D)

And some have inside connections.

Sarah poses suggestively.

NED (CONT’D)

But the main thing is—they went out of their way to make me feel at home.

ALFRED GIULLIANO

Welcome to Humbert College, Ned!

MARY MARGARET DOUGHERTY 

Humbert needs more fine young scholars like you.

RANDALL “STREET” STREETER

(drunkenly) 

You’ve got everything, young man!

JOCK RICHARDSON

(snidely)

Welcome to the snake pit!

RALPH BUKOWSKI

I’m always happy to meet another clear-eyed thinker. 

(dryly)

You ARE a clear-eyed thinker, aren’t you? 

WILLIAM “THE DUKE” DUKE

Can I get you another drink?

SARAH CARTER GIULLIANO

(seductively) 

I’d like to get to know you much better.

NED

Okay, ready? Roll film! Oh, wait—the scene is the new faculty reception. I’ve just arrived at Humbert, and—well, you’ll see.

END OF PROLOGUE

ACT ONE

Scene 1: Autumn 1996.  A reception room at Humbert College in Olmstead, New York. 

Ned Jenkins stands alone looking mildly uncomfortable until Marlene Bernstein charges across the room with two glasses of champagne and forces one on him. 

MARLENE BERNSTEIN 

Here—drink this quickly! Trust me, you’ll need it!

NED 

(accepting the glass) 

And YOU are…?

MARLENE

How rude of me! I’m Marlene Bernstein—from the French department.

NED

And I’m… 

MARLENE

Oh, I already know who you are, Professor Jenkins. But I have an extremely pressing question. … 

(urgently)

Did you come to Humbert College en famille?

NED

Excuse me?

MARLENE

Did you bring the wife and kiddies with you?

NED

Oh, French—right. 

MARLENE

(more urgently)

Well, did you? 

NED

No, mademoiselle, I’m single and unattached.

MARLENE

(more calmly)

How nice! I’m ALSO single and unattached, monsieur.

 (more urgently)

I mean, I HAVE been attached—even around here, if you can believe it—but at the moment, it’s safe to say I’m completely free—completement libre. 

NED

(dryly—toasting her with his glass) 

Cheers!

MARLENE

(studying him) 

Frankly, we’re all surprised they finally filled the open position in your department—but you obviously passed the test.

NED

I guess.  

MARLENE

One word of advice, though—be sure to cozy up to people in other departments, too. Humbert College prides itself on its INTERDISCIPLINARY approach to everything. 

NED

Are you asking me to cozy up to you?

MARLENE

Naughty boy! … I hope you have some OTHER interdisciplinary interests.

NED

Well, as a matter of fact, I’m working on a book on philosophy and film—about watching movies more than once. I’m trying to apply the tools of phenomenology and semiotics to…  

MARLENE

Okay, buster, hold it right there! This isn’t your interview. A gentleman doesn’t ply a lady with champagne and then talk about such things.

NED

(joking)

Who’s been doing the plying? I could probably bring you up on charges.

MARLENE

Oh, please! Without alcohol, there would BE no Humbert College! I can name several faculty members who’d have to check into the Betty Ford Clinic the very next day. 

Jock Richardson arrives and barges into the conversation.

JOCK RICHARDSON

You’re looking as lovely as ever, Miss Bernstein. 

He plants an unwanted kiss on her cheek.

JOCK

Now, are you going to introduce me to your friend or do we have to fend for ourselves?

MARLENE

You’re both in the philosophy department—why do you need an introduction?

JOCK

I’m afraid I was out of town when you were interviewed, but I understand your paper dazzled everyone. 

NED

I hardly think so.

JOCK

Seriously, Marlene, you should have heard the comments.

MARLENE

Yes, I’ve heard.

JOCK

And they were especially delighted because—well, I’ve been something of a disappointment when it comes to reaching out to other departments—other than Ms. Bernstein, of course. … Isn’t that right, Pumpkin?

MARLENE

(a bit angrily)

He’s kidding—no one ever calls me Pumpkin!

JOCK

I know one person who used to.  

NED

(to the audience) 

Freeze frame!

The scene freezes.

NED

(to the audience) 

I just noticed that Marlene never actually introduced us. Did you catch that, too? Professor Charles Standish Richardson. Goes by the name, “Jock,” apparently some sort of ironic tribute from his form mates at Hotchkiss. … I see a young George Sanders in the role—you know, from Rebecca!

The scene resumes.

MARLENE

Hey, maybe we could teach a course together, Ned! Something on French drama, perhaps—I ADORE Giraudoux. 

JOCK

(interrupting)

Dandy idea—but have you heard about his current project? He loves to watch the same movie over and over again until, I don’t know—until he finally has to take a bathroom break, I suppose. Why, I can just picture the two of you sitting in the dark at your own private Truffaut festival. Perhaps if I bring the popcorn, you’ll agree to make it a threesome. 

Marlene reacts.

JOCK

(looking at Marlene) 

What did I say?

MARLENE

Never mind!

JOCK

(to Marlene) 

All this talk of doing things in the dark reminds me. I believe you left a few things at my place the last time—some unmentionables. 

MARLENE

You’re a rude and disgusting person! 

Marlene storms out.

JOCK

A lovely girl—just a little high strung sometimes. Where have you taught before, Ned?

NED

I just left Grinnell.

JOCK

Grinnell College in Iowa? Excellent school—I’m not surprised you weren’t kept on. I assume you haven’t published enough to satisfy a place like that. 

NED

(defeated) 

Believe me, I’m trying. I come up for tenure in two years. If I can just finish my book, maybe I’ll finally be able to settle down.      

JOCK

That means we’ll both be up for tenure at the same time—and the department can only grant it to one of us. … Won’t that be interesting?

(losing interest)

Time to mingle. Have you met Allan Moore, the new economist from Brown?

(lowering his voice)

Major turkey!

Jock exits. Alfred Giulliano enters, approaches Ned, and slaps him on the back

ALFRED GIULLIANO

And how’s the man of the hour?

NED

(forcing a smile) 

Oh, I’m not—there are lots of new faculty members. 

Randall Streeter enters with Ralph Bukowski.

RANDALL (“STREET”) STREETER

(dramatically and obviously fueled by alcohol)

Come, come, young man! You can’t blame us for being biased! We rarely welcome a new member into our exclusive little club.

ALFRED

(draping his arms around Street and Ralph)

It’s wonderful having a full department again, Ned. Now we’ve got the complete history of western philosophy covered for the first time in donkey’s years. 

RALPH BUKOWSKI

Oh, c’mon—we barely touch the British analytic tradition.

ALFRED

Yes, yes, Ralphie. But you know we have to give the students what they want.

RALPH

Since when did teaching become a popularity contest?

STREET

Alas, sometimes it is. How often do I dare teach my great love—Spinoza? 

RALPH

And I don’t understand what all this business about movies has to do with philosophy.

NED

One of my interests is philosophy and the arts—aesthetics. That’s a branch of philosophy, right?

ALFRED

Of course it is.

RALPH

Ethics, metaphysics, and epistemology—THOSE are the branches of philosophy. 

STREET

A rather narrow view. Don’t you think?  

ALFRED

Please—let’s not bore Mr. Jenkins with our petty internal disagreements. We don’t want him thinking he’s joined a nest of vipers! 

Alfred laughs heartily and then slaps Ned on the back again, while William Duke enters            brandishing a drink.

WILLIAM (“THE DUKE”) DUKE

Break it up, men! This is supposed to be a cocktail party, not a philosophy department meeting! 

(to Ned) 

Are you finding this place to be everything you hoped, Professor Jenkins?

NED

I think I can be happy here, yes. 

DUKE

But we want you to be MORE than just happy! We want you to THRIVE! … By the way—I think I finally get the point of your presentation last spring—your thesis about watching the same movie over and over. It hit me when I was putting together my course list for this semester—all the old standards. I suddenly realized I enjoy them more and more each time I teach them!

ALFRED

But, Duke—that’s only because they require less and less preparation and leave you free to live the good life!

DUKE

(after a pause) 

Touché, Alfred. Touché! 

The group laughs.

STREET

This calls for a refill! I think I spy the bar! 

Street heads to the bar while the rest of the group disperses, leaving Ned alone again.

NED

(to the audience) 

Are you catching all this? Because I couldn’t keep these people straight at first. 

The scene backs up to the moment right before the Duke approaches.

NED

(to the audience) 

Now THESE bizarre creatures are my colleagues in the Philosophy Department. This is my boss, Alfred Giulliano.

The philosophers unfreeze and Alfred repeats the following.

ALFRED

We don’t want him thinking he’s joined a nest of vipers! 

Alfred laughs heartily and then slaps Ned on the back again. The group re-freezes.

NED

Maybe I should have taken his warning seriously. 

The Duke enters brandishing a drink. 

DUKE

Break it up, men! This is supposed to be a cocktail party, not a philosophy department meeting! 

The Duke freezes.

NED

THIS fellow is NOT a philosopher. He’s William Duke, chair of the English Department—known affectionately as “The Duke.” 

The Duke unfreezes.

DUKE

But we want you to be MORE than just happy! We want you to THRIVE! 

The Duke freezes. 

NED

I couldn’t tell if those were words of encouragement—or a threat. But I had no time to think about that—apparently I WAS the man of the hour. 

The men disperse again while Mary Dougherty enters the room and  approaches Ned tentatively.

MARY DOUGHERTY

You must be Ned Jenkins. I’m Mary Margaret Dougherty from the History Department. … When I read your article on the transcendence of the ego, I just had to meet you.

NED

That’s very kind, but I’m surprised anyone took any notice of it. 

MARY

Nonsense! It was an excellent piece of work. … This place is over-run with determinists, if you ask me. We humanists have to stick together and fight the good fight. Bravo!

NED

Well, thank you.

MARY

Have you published anything else?

NED

A couple of articles. And I’m working on a book.

MARY

So you’re not new to the academy?

NED

Oh, no—this is my fourth teaching job—and, I suppose, my last hope.

MARY

Ah, yes. Young faculty members face such uncertainty nowadays with these tenure committees. But hang in there, dear. I’ll keep an eye out for you. 

Street staggers toward them, bumping into Mary in the process.

STREET

Oops!

(dramatically)

Funny thing running into you like this, Mary Margaret!  

MARY

(a bit embarrassed)

Ned, this is Randall Streeter.

STREET

(belligerently)

We already know each other! We’re in the same department!

MARY

Oh, of course. 

STREET

And people accuse ME of having early dementia.

MARY

(embarrassed)

I’m sorry, Street.

STREET

(suddenly genteel)

No apologies required, fair lady.

(turning his inebriated gaze to Ned)

How are you holding up, Jenks?

MARY

(to Ned)

Oh, is that what people call you?

STREET

That’s what I’VE decided to call him—I like nicknames.

NED

Actually, “Ned” is already a nickname. My full name is Edward.

STREET

Edward…ah, yes! Like Edward, Duke of Windsor…or Edward, King of…something or other. … Or Edward G. Robinson…king of the gangster movies! … I’ll just call you “Jenks.”  

MARY

We were just discussing tenure. We don’t want to let a fine young man like this slip through our fingers, now do we? 

STREET

A fine young man? ... Why yes he is! That’s why we hired him!

(examining him) 

Why—you! You! You! You’ve got…YOUTH! And, and…TALENT! 

(shouting) 

You’ve got them, fella! You’ll make us proud, for God’s sake! Yes, sir! You’ve got—EVERYTHING, young man! Embrace it! Embrace it! 

Street collapses onto the floor. Alfred or one of the other professors pulls him up to his feet and helps him out of the room.

MARY

I’m sorry you had to witness that, Ned, but what can I say? … Welcome to Humbert! 

END OF SCENE

END OF EXCERPT