Full-Length Play

How long can life keep getting better?

Life keeps getting better and better for one time-traveling family, but can it last? In 8th century Mexico, it's just another day in the life of Ivor the Warrior until he announces that his daughter's boyfriend is going to be sacrificed to the gods. In 18th century Paris, Ivor and wife Irene's relationship is strained when she confesses that she talked to a native and enjoyed his attention. In 21st century Scarsdale, NY, Ivor and Irene have mixed feelings about their newest community when daughter Iris becomes a superstar at school, son Ike appears to be stoned most of the time, and the parents engage in the local custom of extramarital affairs. In a future time and place, the family has finally found the best of all possible places. But what follows perfection?

Full script available at the National New Play Network's New Play Exchange (NPX). Click here.

Or see EXCERPT below.

LENGTH: 1 hour 40 minutes (plus intermission)

CAST: 2M, 2F

SETTING & TIME

Homes in 8th century Mexico, 18th century Paris, 21st century Scarsdale, NY, and a future time and place.

CHARACTERS

Irene. Female. 37. Mother.

Ivor. Male. 39. Father.

Iris. Female. 16. Daughter.

Ike. Male. 17. Son.

PRODUCTION HISTORY

STAGED READING: 2013. Presented by Love Creek Productions, the Producers' Club, New York City. With Sondra Hunt, Isaac Scranton, James Meneses, & Karen Sepulveda. Directed by Bradley LeBoeuf.

READINGS:

2022: University Faculty Drama Club, Bloomington, IN.

2012: (Excerpt) Milk Can Theatre's COW Reading Series, New York City.

2009: Northern Writes (3rd annual new play festival), Penobscot Theatre Company, Bangor, Maine, Scott RC Levy, Producing Artistic Director.

HONOR

Finalist, Cimientos, IATI Theater's new play development program, New York City, 2014.

EXCERPT:

PROLOGUE

An image of an apple (the symbol of the clan) is projected on an empty stage.

VOICEOVER

Members of the clan, we once again call on your courage and resourcefulness as we prepare to conquer yet another new land. Be brave and remember that the gods are on our side—as always.

END OF PROLOGUE

ACT ONE

THE FIRST REALM: 8^th Century Mexico

Scene 1: Late afternoon. 

IRENE enters. Looks around.

IRENE

(to herself—plaintively)

Another move . . . Another brand new place . . . Will it never end?

(scolding herself)

Now, now, Irene. Mustn’t complain. No one wants to hear it. Especially not him. Just pull yourself together—they’re all depending on you!

(looking around)

So, what do we have here? Hmm. Not so bad, I guess. Plenty of wall space, at least.

(more cheerfully)

Okay, let’s do this!

(calling outside)

You can come in now, Ivor! It’s a good place!

IRENE exits. A moment later, IRIS charges in. 

IRIS

(looking around—disapprovingly)

Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me? This place sucks! The last one was so much nicer! Why’d we bother moving?

IVOR enters brandishing a club and carrying a rolled-up banner.  

IVOR

Iris—don’t run ahead of me like that! You don’t know who could be lurking around in here!

IRIS

There’s no one here—see? 

IVOR

Yeah, but you didn’t know that! We killed most of the natives, and the others ran away, but there could still be stragglers lurking around.

IRIS

But there aren’t any, right? I bet they couldn’t wait to get away from this awful place. It’s so lame!

IVOR raises his arm as if he might want to strike IRIS.

IVOR

(angry)

Are you being cheeky with me?

IRIS

(scared—realizing she may have gone too far)

No, Dad! I’m sorry, Dad!

IVOR

Okay, then. Let me inspect this dwelling and see what’s so lame about it. 

IVOR looks around.

IVOR (CONT’D)

Good solid walls . . . Only one entrance—easy to defend . . . All in all—not bad . . . Not bad at all!

IRIS

(disbelieving)

Really?

IVOR

It is decided.

(announcing)

I claim this dwelling in the name of Ivor the Warrior!

IVOR unrolls the banner and hangs it in a prominent position on the wall. It contains a large but crude image of an apple.

IVOR (CONT’D)

(calling offstage)

Okay, Irene! You can come back in now. I approve—it’s a good place.

IRENE enters with all the luggage.

IRENE

I told you! Why didn’t you believe me?

IVOR

Because I’m the one who has to make that decision.

IRENE

(muttering)

Whatever.

IVOR

What did you say?!

IRENE

Nothing, sir.

IVOR

Good—then start unpacking and setting everything up.

IRENE

I need to rest first. I’m exhausted.

IVOR

You can rest later.

IRIS

I’ll be outside.

IRIS sneaks out.

IRENE

Are you at least going to help for once?

IVOR

Warriors don’t do household chores!

IRENE

It wouldn’t kill you, ya know.

IVOR

Obviously! It would take a lot more to kill a warrior like me. But they’ve called an emergency meeting of the clan, so I’ve gotta go. 

IRENE

Wait—I’ll get my things and join you.

IVOR

Not you. It’s a meeting of the clan.

IRENE

I’m a member of the clan.

IVOR

Women don’t go to meetings! Where’d you get such a strange idea? Just stay inside and huddle with the offspring. We could get attacked any minute now.

IRENE

I didn’t see anyone.

IVOR

You and Iris seem to forget how dangerous these invasions are. Hey, what happened to Iris? And where’s Ike? The sun’s going down—get them in here!

IRENE

Cut them some slack, will you, Ivor? These moves are hard on them. 

IVOR

Get them in here now, woman!

IRENE

(muttering to herself)

Whatever you say, Master.

(yelling offstage)

Ike! Iris! Your father wants you in here now! I said NOW!

IKE enters excitedly.

IKE

Wow! This place is so cool! Did you see all those pyramids?

IRENE

Where’s your sister?

IKE

Helping the family next door move in.

IRENE

(yelling offstage)

Iris! Get in here right now!

IRIS enters begrudgingly.

IRIS

Zooks, Mom! I was just hanging with Danny.

IRENE

Who’s Danny?

IRIS

That dreamy boy next door.

IRENE

Well, they seem like a nice family, but you’re my responsibility, young lady! If Danny wants to get eaten by a wild animal, that’s his mother’s problem. 

IKE

Hey, Dad! What’s with all these pyramids? I haven’t seen pyramids since we invaded Egypt in the way back days.  

IRIS

Oh, I loved Egypt! I miss all those beauty treatments. 

(acting it out)

Like rubbing almond oil into my hair. 

IKE

Yuck!

IKE pushes IRIS.

IRIS

Hey!

IRENE

No fighting, kids!

IKE

She started it!

IVOR

Ike!

IRENE

Your sister’s forgetting how difficult life was in Egypt. 

IRIS

I loved being a princess!

IRENE

You were a slave.

IRIS

(shocked)

A what?!

IRENE

We all were. So, be grateful for how far we’ve come.

IKE

(tired of their conversation—urgently)

So, who built these pyramids already? Dad?

IVOR

I don’t know.

IKE

Except these ones don’t come to a point. They’re like flat on top. What’s that about? You think they’re landing pads for star creatures or something?

IVOR

I have no idea.

IKE

I thought you knew everything.

IVOR

I know what I need to know—but I’ll ask them at the clan meeting.

IKE

And what about all these rooms? Sally says there are hundreds of them.

IRENE

Who’s Sally?

IKE

Just some girl I met during the migration.

IRENE

Ike, I don’t want you mixing with strangers. She might come from the wrong kind of people.

IVOR

Irene, she’s one of the clan. How bad can she be?

IRENE

Just because she’s one of the clan doesn’t mean she’s right for our son.

IVOR

He’s not talking about taking her. He’s just talking about having a little fun with her—right, son?

IKE

Right, Dad! Just like you taught me.

IRENE

Ivor! What’s he talking about?

IKE

Hey, Dad—you think these rooms used to be temples or maybe dwellings for the gods?

IRIS

Eww! What kind of gods would want to live in these cramped rooms?

IKE

Maybe little gods. Godettes!

IRIS

(whining)

Ugh! The last place was so much nicer! Why’d we have to move anyway?

IVOR

(getting angry)

Do I hear complaining?

IRIS

(suddenly respectful)

Uh, no, Dad.

IVOR

(like a volcano about to erupt)

Do you kids have a beef about something? 

IKE and IRIS

(in unison)

No, sir!!

IVOR

That’s better!

IRENE

Ivor, don’t be so hard on them. 

IVOR

(angry)

They’re lucky to be alive! You’re lucky to be alive! We probably lost a third of the clan in this migration! Gone! Butchered! So don’t tell me about being hard!

IRENE

I know, but I just thought—

IVOR strikes IRENE. 

IVOR

(erupting)

You don’t think! 

IRENE

(meekly)

Yes, sir.

IRIS

Hey, don’t hit her!

IVOR raises his arm to IRIS.

IVOR

You want some of this, too?

IRIS

(meekly)

No, sir.

IVOR

(loudly—to everyone)

Who is the warrior?

IRENE

You are.

IVOR

Ike? Iris?

IKE

You are, Dad!

IVOR

I don’t hear you, Iris! Iris??

IRIS

(loudly and defiantly)

You are, Dad!

IVOR

That’s better. And who’s lucky to have a warrior protector?

IKE, IRIS, and IRENE

(in unison—obediently and fearfully)

We are!

IVOR

Okay, then! And don’t ever forget it! Or would you like to see what it’s like not to be protected? Just remember what happened to our next-door neighbors at the last place! No one ever did find their heads.

IRENE

Thank you for protecting us, Ivor.

IVOR

All right. I better go.

IKE

Can I come along, Dad?

IVOR

Not yet, Ike. Maybe someday soon.

IRIS

How about me? Can I come?

IVOR

Has your mother been giving you strange ideas? Now don’t let anyone or anything come in here while I’m gone.

IVOR exits.

IRIS

Mom, I’m frightened.

IRENE

I know, dear. So am I.

IKE

(disgusted)

Women!

IRENE

Maybe things will be more peaceful here.

IKE

(getting excited)

Don’t count on it! Sooner or later we’re gonna attack someone else. Or they’re gonna attack us. Man, I can’t wait till I’m old enough to go out with the warriors!

IRIS

But why does anyone have to attack anyone? The people who lived here before we invaded didn’t ask to be attacked. They were just trying to live their lives.

IKE

That’s how the world works, young lady! 

IRIS

You sound just like Dad.

IKE

Thank you. I’ll take that as a compliment.

IRIS

Why are you both so violent? I just don’t get it!

IKE

It’s like this, little sister.

(dramatically—making a speech)

To be a man is to seek danger. To look for antagonists. To make the world bow to your will. To heed the call!  Wait—I think I hear the call right now!

IKE exits.

IRIS

Mom, why is Ike so—

IRENE

(looking around)

Wait—where’d he go?

IRIS

He’s heeding the call. 

IRENE runs to the door.  

IRENE

(terrified)

Ike, come back in here! You heard your father!

IKE comes back in begrudgingly.

IKE

Jeez, mom! You’re no fun!

IRENE

Look, it’s getting dark. Let’s just try to get some sleep. 

The lights dim as they form a huddle and lie together in the middle of the room.

IRIS

Mom, what if we’re attacked in the middle of the night?

IRENE

It never happens on the first night, darling. If there are any of them left, they’re just as scared of us as we are of them.

IKE

I’m not scared!

IRENE

Goodnight.

IKE and IRIS

(in unison)

Goodnight, mother.

The lights slowly fade to black. Silence, then some wild animal sounds. More silence. Still in blackout.

IRIS

(calling out)

Mom, I can’t sleep! Is it morning yet?

IRENE

It’s only been two hours. Try to go back to sleep.

IRIS

I can’t!

IRENE

Try harder.

Silence, then more wild animal sounds. Then the sound of someone entering. The lights come up slightly.

IRIS

(frightened)

What’s that?

IRENE

I don’t hear anything.

IRIS

Mom, someone’s coming! Get the club!

IRENE gets the club. Raises it threateningly. Approaches the entrance to the dwelling. 

IKE

(waking up)

Jeez, guys! I’m trying to sleep.

IRENE

(yelling at the intruder)

Go away! I’ve got a club!

IVOR enters. 

IVOR

Irene! Relax! It’s just me!

IRENE

Ivor! You scared us half to death!

IKE

Hey, how was the clan meeting, pop?

IVOR

Save it for the morning. Your mother probably wants you to sleep.

IRENE

It’s all right. We’re all up anyway. 

The lights come back up.

IVOR

Well, it was all very exciting. First we sang some war chants. All the old favorites. Like the one about pulling out our enemies’ nails while we stomp on their heads. I always loved that!

IKE

Hey, I know that one!

IVOR

Of course you do—I used to chant it to you when you were just a baby. Then the chief said a few words. “We have traveled many miles . . . Yadda, yadda, yadda . . . Dawn of a new age for the clan . . . Zonk, zonk, zonk . . . Seize the day! Amen!” Then he opened it up for questions. I was the first one to put my hand up—you’d be so proud of me, Ike! “So tell us, great chief—what’s with all these pyramids? They’re flat on top—what’s that about?” He raised his holy rod and said, “Good questions, Ivor.”

IKE

So, what’d he say, already?

IVOR

He said it doesn’t matter—they’re ours now. We can do whatever we want with them. So we’ve decided to make them altars to the gods.

IRIS

(snidely)

Big yawn! Couldn’t you come up with anything more original?

IVOR

It has been decreed! A committee’s been assigned to figure out which gods should go with which pyramids. Then in a few weeks, there’s gonna be a big celebration to welcome us all to the city of Tea Can.

IKE

Tea Can? That’s the name of this place?

IVOR

That’s the name the chief has given it.

IRIS

What does it even mean?

IVOR

It’s from an ancient language that only the priests understand. It means, “Center of the Universe.” It means, “This is the best place—the place our people have always been destined to discover and live in.”

IRIS

The chief ends his sentences with a preposition?

IVOR

It means, “This is our place; it was destined to be our place; it will always be our place; and woe to anyone who thinks otherwise. We will cut off your heads and feed them to the dogs and rape your women and feed them to the dogs and burn you to the ground and then dance upon your ashes if you so much as even look at this place or interfere with us in any way whatsoever, so help us gods and goddesses!”

IKE

How do you get all that out of just two syllables?

IVOR

That’s why we need the priests.

IRIS

So, what are we supposed to do with ourselves? 

IVOR

What we always do. I’ll hunt and fish; Ike will assist me; and you ladies will stay home and clean things. 

IRIS

Boring!

IRENE

Do you think I’ll be able to get back to my artwork?

IVOR

You mean those silly markings you keep making on the walls?

IRENE

They’re not silly! They’re . . . they’re . . . I don’t know. I just enjoy making them. 

IVOR

Fine, fine. Whatever. As long as you get all your chores done, I guess there’s no harm 

in that.

IRENE

But I’ll need some new paints—we moved so suddenly, I had to leave the old ones behind.

IVOR

I’ll go kill you a jaguar in the morning.

IRENE

Forget the jaguars! Their blood fades too quickly. I need some ground rocks—and in different colors, please.

IVOR

I’ll get you some rocks, but you can grind them yourself.  

IRENE

Thank you, dear.

IVOR

Okay kids, time to go back to bed.

IKE and IRIS resume their places in the huddle in the middle of the floor. They fall quickly back to sleep.

IRENE

One last thing, dear. Did you see anyone else out there? Do you think we’re being watched?

IVOR

There’s no way to know—but don’t you worry your pretty little head about that. That’s what I’m here for. Now you rest, too.

IRENE

Goodnight.

IRENE starts to walk away. 

IVOR

On second thought, wait a minute!

IVOR grabs IRENE’S hand.

IRENE

Not now, dear. I’m tired.

IVOR lifts IRENE. Carries her over his shoulder to the back wall as the lights go down. In the dark, IVOR groans a couple of times and then lets out a loud orgasmic cry.  

IVOR

Now you can rest.

IRENE

(meekly)

Thank you, dear.

END OF SCENE

Scene 2: A few weeks later.

IRENE is straightening things up as IRIS enters.

IRIS

(nervously)

Is Dad home?

IRENE

No, he’s out hunting and gathering. 

IRIS

(relieved)

Whew!

IRENE

And where have you been, young lady?

IRIS

Just hanging with Danny.

IRENE hands IRIS an apple.

IRENE

Here, have an apple. Supper won’t be ready for a while.

IRIS starts to eat her apple.

IRENE (CONT’D)

I hope you weren’t making a nuisance of yourself. I’m sure Danny’s mother has just as much work to do as I do.

IRIS

His mother wasn’t there.

IRENE

You mean you were alone with him in their dwelling?

IRIS

Oh, Mom! Weren’t you ever young?

IRENE

I never would have dreamt of going into a boy’s dwelling if his parents weren’t there, too.

IRIS

Mom, you should see Danny’s pelts! He has the most amazing collection!

IRENE

At his age he already has pelts?

IRIS

Don’t you think he’s gorgeous? When I look at him—that face, his hair, those muscular legs! And you know what else? He wrote me a poem.

IRENE

What’s that?

IRIS

You know—words on a piece of tree bark. Here—let me show you.

IRIS takes out a large piece of tree bark (or paper). Shows it to IRENE. 

IRENE

(studying the tree bark)

How does he know how to write words? How do you know how to read them?

IRIS

What do you think we do all day in school?

IRENE

In my day, they taught us how to strip and roast animals; how to keep the fire going; how to hide from the enemy.

IRIS

They still do all that, but now they teach us how to write words, too.

IRENE

So, what do these words say?

IRIS takes the tree bark back.

IRIS

Listen—

(reading)

“Stars in sky. 

Brightest one . . .

Iris.”

Isn’t that beautiful?

IRENE

That’s called a poem? I don’t understand. I never heard of a star called Iris.

IRIS

You’re being literal!

IRENE

Watch it—I’m your mother!

IRIS

No, I’m saying . . . He doesn’t mean there’s a star called Iris.

IRENE

Then why does he say that?

IRIS

Because I am like the brightest star in the sky.

IRENE

(pondering)

That makes no sense. You’re here, and the stars are way up high on the inside of the tortoise shell.

IRIS

No, no—here’s what he means. You like stars, don’t you?

IRENE

I like to gaze at the stars.

IRIS

Right—and why is that?

IRENE

Because they’re beautiful. Because they’re so far away, they help me forget about my problems. Because they provide light in a world full of too much darkness.

IRIS

Right. So, Danny is saying I’m like that.

IRENE

(pondering)

He thinks you’re beautiful?

(more impressed)

You make him forget about his problems?

(amazed)

Wait—you lighten the darkness in his world?

IRIS

Yes, yes, yes—all of that!

IRENE

Maybe I should hang with Danny, too.

IRIS

Oh, ma! Grownups don’t hang with kids! You’ve got Dad.

IRENE

(sullenly)

Yes, I do.

IRIS

Maybe he can make you a poem.

IRENE

Oh, I wouldn’t count on it.

END OF EXCERPT