Full-Length Play
How long can life keep getting better?
LENGTH: 1 hour 40 minutes (plus intermission)
CAST: 2M, 2F
SYNOPSIS: Life keeps getting better and better for one time-traveling family, but can it last? In 8th century Mexico, it's just another day in the life of Ivor the Warrior until he announces that his daughter's boyfriend is going to be sacrificed to the gods. In 18th century Paris, Ivor and wife Irene's relationship is strained when she confesses that she talked to a native and enjoyed his attention. In 21st century Scarsdale, NY, Ivor and Irene have mixed feelings about their newest community when daughter Iris becomes a superstar at school, son Ike appears to be stoned most of the time, and the parents engage in the local custom of extramarital affairs. In a future time and place, the family has finally found the best of all possible places. But what follows perfection?
SETTING & TIME: homes in 8th century Mexico, 18th century Paris, 21st century Scarsdale, NY, and a future time and place.
PRODUCTION NOTE: This play can be staged very simply or more elaborately. For a simple production, the set can consist of a blank stage with props as needed and noted in the script. For costumes, the cast can be dressed in casual black clothing throughout the play. Alternatively, each of the four “realms” presented can be fleshed out with scenery and/or clothing appropriate for its period.
PRODUCTION HISTORY
2013: STAGED READING, presented by Love Creek Productions, the Producers' Club, New York City. With Sondra Hunt, Isaac Scranton, James Meneses, & Karen Sepulveda. Directed by Bradley LeBoeuf.
2012: READING (excerpt), Milk Can Theatre's COW Reading Series, New York City.
2009: READING, Northern Writes (3rd annual new play festival), Penobscot Theatre Company, Bangor, Maine, Scott RC Levy, Producing Artistic Director.
HONOR
Finalist, Cimientos, IATI Theater's new play development program, New York City, 2014.
EXCERPT
PROLOGUE
An image of an apple (the symbol of the clan) is projected on an empty stage.
VOICEOVER
Members of the clan, we once again call on your courage and resourcefulness as we prepare to conquer yet another new land. Be brave and remember that the gods are on our side—as always.
END OF PROLOGUE
ACT ONE
THE FIRST REALM: 8th Century – Mexico
Scene 1: Late afternoon.
IRENE enters. Looks around.
IRENE
(to herself—plaintively)
Another move . . . Another brand new place . . . Will it never end?
(scolding herself)
Now, now, Irene. Mustn’t complain. No one wants to hear it. Especially not him. Just pull yourself together—they’re all depending on you!
(looking around)
So what do we have here? Hmm. Not so bad, I guess. Plenty of wall space, at least.
(more cheerfully)
Okay, let’s do this!
(calling outside)
You can come in now, Ivor! It’s a good place!
IRENE exits. A moment later, IRIS charges in.
IRIS
(looking around—disapprovingly)
Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me? This place sucks! The last one was so much nicer! Why’d we bother moving?
IVOR enters brandishing a club and carrying a rolled-up banner.
IVOR
Iris—don’t run ahead of me like that! You don’t know who could be lurking around in here!
IRIS
There’s no one here—see?
IVOR
Yeah, but you didn’t know that! We killed most of the natives, and the others ran away, but there could still be stragglers lurking around.
IRIS
But there aren’t any, right? I bet they couldn’t wait to get away from this awful place. It’s so lame!
IVOR raises his arm as if he might want to strike IRIS.
IVOR
(angry)
Are you being cheeky with me?
IRIS
(scared—realizing she may have gone too far)
No, Dad! I’m sorry, Dad!
IVOR
Okay, then. Let me inspect this dwelling and see what’s so lame about it.
IVOR looks around.
IVOR (CONT’D)
Good solid walls . . . Only one entrance—easy to defend . . . All in all—not bad . . . Not bad at all!
IRIS
(disbelieving)
Really?
IVOR
It is decided.
(announcing)
I claim this dwelling in the name of Ivor the Warrior!
IVOR unrolls the banner and hangs it in a prominent position on the wall. It contains a large but crude image of an apple.
IVOR (CONT’D)
(calling offstage)
Okay, Irene! You can come back in now. I approve—it’s a good place.
IRENE enters with all the luggage.
IRENE
I told you! Why didn’t you believe me?
IVOR
Because I’m the one who has to make that decision.
IRENE
(muttering)
Whatever.
IVOR
What did you say?!
IRENE
Nothing, sir.
IVOR
Good—then start unpacking and setting everything up.
IRENE
I need to rest first. I’m exhausted.
IVOR
You can rest later.
IRIS
I’ll be outside.
IRIS sneaks out.
IRENE
Are you at least going to help for once?
IVOR
Warriors don’t do household chores!
IRENE
It wouldn’t kill you, ya know.
IVOR
Obviously! It would take a lot more to kill a warrior like me. But they’ve called an emergency meeting of the clan, so I’ve gotta go.
IRENE
Wait—I’ll get my things and join you.
IVOR
Not you. It’s a meeting of the clan.
IRENE
I’m a member of the clan!
IVOR
Women don’t go to meetings! Where’d you get such a strange idea? Just stay inside and huddle with the offspring. We could get attacked any minute now.
IRENE
I didn’t see anyone.
IVOR
You and Iris seem to forget how dangerous these invasions are. Hey, what happened to Iris? And where’s Ike? The sun’s going down—get them in here!
IRENE
Cut them some slack, will you, Ivor? These moves are hard on them.
IVOR
Get them in here now, woman!
IRENE
(muttering to herself)
Whatever you say, Master.
(yelling offstage)
Ike! Iris! Your father wants you in here now! I said NOW!
IKE enters excitedly.
IKE
Wow! This place is so cool! Did you see all those pyramids?
IRENE
Where’s your sister?
IKE
Helping the family next door move in.
IRENE
(yelling offstage)
Iris! Get in here right now!
IRIS enters begrudgingly.
IRIS
Zooks, Mom! I was just hanging with Danny.
IRENE
Who’s Danny?
IRIS
That dreamy boy next door.
IRENE
Well, they seem like a nice family, but you’re my responsibility, young lady! If Danny wants to get eaten by a wild animal, that’s his mother’s problem.
IKE
Hey, Dad! What’s with all these pyramids? I haven’t seen pyramids since we invaded Egypt in the way back days.
IRIS
Oh, I loved Egypt! I miss all those beauty treatments.
(acting it out)
Like rubbing almond oil into my hair.
IKE
Yuck!
IKE pushes IRIS.
IRIS
Hey!
IRENE
No fighting, kids!
IKE
She started it!
IVOR
Ike!
IRENE
Your sister’s forgetting how difficult life was in Egypt.
IRIS
I loved being a princess!
IRENE
You were a slave.
IRIS
(shocked)
A what?!
IRENE
We all were. So be grateful for how far we’ve come.
IKE
(tired of their conversation—urgently)
So who built these pyramids already? Dad?
IVOR
I don’t know.
IKE
Except these ones don’t come to a point. They’re like flat on top. What’s that about? You think they’re landing pads for star creatures or something?
IVOR
I have no idea.
IKE
I thought you knew everything.
IVOR
I know what I need to know—but I’ll ask them at the clan meeting.
IKE
And what about all these rooms? Sally says there are hundreds of them.
IRENE
Who’s Sally?
IKE
Just some girl I met during the migration.
IRENE
Ike, I don’t want you mixing with strangers. She might come from the wrong kind of people.
IVOR
Irene, she’s one of the clan. How bad can she be?
IRENE
Just because she’s one of the clan doesn’t mean she’s right for our son.
IVOR
He’s not talking about taking her. He’s just talking about having a little fun with her—right, son?
IKE
Right, Dad! Just like you taught me.
IRENE
Ivor! What’s he talking about?
IKE
Hey, Dad—you think these rooms used to be temples or maybe dwellings for the gods?
IRIS
Eww! What kind of gods would want to live in these cramped rooms?
IKE
Maybe little gods. Godettes!
IRIS
(whining)
Ugh! The last place was so much nicer! Why’d we have to move anyway?
IVOR
(getting angry)
Do I hear complaining?
IRIS
(suddenly respectful)
Uh, no, Dad.
IVOR
(like a volcano about to erupt)
Do you kids have a beef about something?
IKE and IRIS
(in unison)
No, sir!!
IVOR
That’s better!
IRENE
Ivor, don’t be so hard on them.
IVOR
(angry)
They’re lucky to be alive! You’re lucky to be alive! We probably lost a third of the clan in this migration! Gone! Butchered! So don’t tell me about being hard!
IRENE
I know, but I just thought—
IVOR strikes IRENE.
IVOR
(erupting)
You don’t think!
IRENE
(meekly)
Yes, sir.
IRIS
Hey, don’t hit her!
IVOR raises his arm to IRIS.
IVOR
You want some of this, too?
IRIS
(meekly)
No, sir.
IVOR
(loudly—to everyone)
Who is the warrior?
IRENE
You are.
IVOR
Ike? Iris?
IKE
You are, Dad!
IVOR
I don’t hear you, Iris! Iris??
IRIS
(loudly and defiantly)
You are, Dad!
IVOR
That’s better. And who’s lucky to have a warrior protector?
IKE, IRIS, and IRENE
(in unison—obediently and fearfully)
We are!
IVOR
Okay, then! And don’t ever forget it! Or would you like to see what it’s like not to be protected? Just remember what happened to our next-door neighbors at the last place! No one ever did find their heads.
IRENE
Thank you for protecting us, Ivor.
IVOR
All right. I better go.
IKE
Can I come along, Dad?
IVOR
Not yet, Ike. Maybe someday soon.
IRIS
How about me? Can I come?
IVOR
Has your mother been giving you strange ideas? Now don’t let anyone or anything come in here while I’m gone.
IVOR exits.
IRIS
Mom, I’m frightened.
IRENE
I know, dear. So am I.
IKE
(disgusted)
Women!
IRENE
Maybe things will be more peaceful here.
IKE
(getting excited)
Don’t count on it! Sooner or later we’re gonna attack someone else. Or they’re gonna attack us. Man, I can’t wait till I’m old enough to go out with the warriors!
IRIS
But why does anyone have to attack anyone? The people who lived here before we invaded didn’t ask to be attacked. They were just trying to live their lives.
IKE
That’s how the world works, young lady!
IRIS
You sound just like Dad.
IKE
Thank you. I’ll take that as a compliment.
IRIS
Why are you both so violent? I just don’t get it!
[END OF EXCERPT]