Full-Length Play

The Hudson Family Guide to Table Manners

A Play by William Ivor Fowkes

What do we pass on to our nearest and dearest?

The oldest of three sons, Michael Hudson is a remarkable man. Even his detractors acknowledge the extent of his influence. For some his legacy is physical--the family business they would like to get their hands on. For others, it's psychological--the obsessions and urges that lead to a range of problematic behavior, from sexual compulsion to infidelity. In eight scenes--from Buenos Aires to Chicago, Santa Monica to London and beyond--we see his influence at work. When Michael dies prematurely, family secrets are revealed, and the heir to the company is announced.

Full script available at the National New Play Network's New Play Exchange (NPX). Click here.

Or see EXCERPT below.

LENGTH: 1 hour 45 minutes

CAST: 5 actors (2M, 3F) playing 23 roles. The cast size may be increased by eliminating some or all of the double casting.

SETTING

Restaurants, bars, and other public places in Chicago, Buenos Aires, Santa Monica, Mexico City, Lake Forest, London, Tribeca, and Evanston .

TIME

2015

CHARACTERS

Chicago:

Michael. Male. 60s. The oldest Hudson brother. Charming. A "ladies' man." Fit. Vigorous.

Patty. Female. 40s. Sexy. Flirtatious. Mercurial.

Quinn. Male. 30s. Pushy. Creepy.

Buenos Aires:

Sofia. Female. Formal. Stern. Judgmental. Wears glasses and an old-fashioned beauty-shop hairdo.

Laura. Female. The girlfriend of Michael's nephew, Sebastian. Disinterested.

Santa Monica:

Surfer. Any gender. Rugged.

Kyle. Male. 30s. Trying to be a player, but nervous and awkward. Wears a sport coat and open-collared shirt.

Julia. Female. 30s. Michael's niece. Cunning. Alternately flirtatious and critical. Dressed stylishly.

Mexico City:

Phil. Male. 50s. The middle Hudson brother. A harried lawyer. Married to Cissy.

Cissy. Female. 50s. A sweet but bossy woman. Married to Phil.

Megan. Female. 30s. Attractive and good with people.

Waiter/Waitress. Any gender. Solicitous.

Lake Forest:

Lori. Female. 50s. Well put together, but gossipy and insincere.

Kate. Female. 40s. Michael's mistress. Sincere, but secretive.

Waiter/Waitress. Any gender. Easily intimidated.

London:

Brian. Male. 50s. The youngest Hudson brother. A late-blooming romantic.

Christopher. Male. 30s. American expatriate. Well dressed and professional, but suspicious and hard.

Tribeca:

Liam. Male. 30s. Intense. Weird.

Gretchen. Female. 30s. Former girlfriend of Michael's son, Todd. Attractive. Serious.

Evanston:

Janet. Female. 30s. Michael's daughter. A competent professional woman, but currently stressed out.

Becca. Female. 20. The daughter of Michael's mistress. Pleasant. Polite. Eager to please.

Hilary. Female. 60s. Michael's widow. Wheelchair-bound. Hardened by life, but wise and gracious.

Todd. Male. 30s. Michael's son. Attentive to his mother, but snobbish and selfish.

Michael. Male. 60s. The same Michael as in scene one (Chicago), but now deceased. His ghost is wise, warm, and charismatic.

PRODUCTION HISTORY:

2018: READING, University Faculty Drama Club, Bloomington, IN.

2015: READING, Unitarian Universalist Congregation at Shelter Rock, Manhasset, NY.

PRODUCTIONS, READINGS, ETC.: The following excerpts have been produced, published, and/or broadcast:

"Table Manners in Chicagoland" (Scenes 1, 5, and 8): a production and a reading.

"Table Manners in Buenos Aires" (Scene 2): 2 productions.

"Table Manners in Santa Monica" (Scene 3): 3 productions, 2 radio broadcasts, and a publication.

"Table Manners in Mexico City" (Scene 4): a production and a radio broadcast.

"Table Manners in Lake Forest" (Scene 5): a reading.

"Table Manners in London" (Scene 7) : a publication.

"Table Manners in Tribeca" (Scene 7): 2 productions.

"A Remarkable Man" (Scene 8): a production.

HONORS

2020 INKSLINGER SEMI-FINALIST

Playwriting Competition, Southeastern Louisiana University.

2015 NEW AMERICAN VOICES SEMI-FINALIST

(as A Field Guide to Table Manners)

The Landing Theatre Company's reading series, Houston, TX

2013 REVA SHINER COMEDY AWARD FINALIST

(as A Field Guide to Table Manners)

Bloomington Playwrights Project, Bloomington, IN

2012 W. KEITH HEDRICK PLAYWRITING CONTEST FINALIST

(as A Field Guide to Table Manners)

HRC Showcase Theatre, Hudson, NY

2011 NEW WORKS PROJECT RUNNER-UP

(as Table Manners)

T. Schreiber Studio, New York City

EXCERPT:

ACT ONE

SCENE 1: Chicago

Music plays—preferably “Chicago” (“That Toddlin’ Town”) or “My Kind of Town” (“Chicago Is…”) Lights up. The entire cast is on stage drinking and chatting at a singles bar. PATTY drinks a Singapore Sling in a tall glass with an umbrella. MICHAEL drinks Jack Daniels on the rocks. MICHAEL and PATTY break away from the crowd. Sit at a table downstage. The rest of the cast exits. Music fades.

MICHAEL

(laughing)

I didn’t think anyone drank Singapore Slings anymore.

PATTY

It always makes me feel like I’m on vacation.

MICHAEL

And where are you on vacation?

PATTY

Oh, I’m not—I’ve got work tomorrow.

MICHAEL

I mean in your fantasy.

PATTY

Oh, I don’t know . . . Hawaii maybe.

MICHAEL

Which island?

PATTY

No, wait—Greece!

MICHAEL

I don’t think that’s in Hawaii.

PATTY

(laughing)

No, I changed my mind. I’m on Santorini—drinking ouzo and watching the ships come in.

MICHAEL

So how does a Singapore Sling make you think of Greece?

PATTY

Oh—maybe it doesn’t.

MICHAEL

You’re funny.

PATTY

Really? My friends don’t think I have a sense of humor.

MICHAEL

I mean you have a very “cute” personality. Can I use that word?

PATTY

(goofy)

I think you’re cute, too.

MICHAEL

Thank you.

PATTY

I mean for your age.

MICHAEL

Ouch!

PATTY

Oh, I don’t mean you’re an old geezer or anything. You seem pretty vigorous.

MICHAEL

I’m just going to say it—I like you, Patty.

PATTY

Well, I figured you did when you bought me this drink. I like you, too, Michael.

MICHAEL raises his glass.

MICHAEL

Cheers!

PATTY raises her glass.

PATTY

Cheers! Hey, what do you do for a living? Or wait—let me guess.

MICHAEL

I hate that game. Ever hear of Hudson Vacuum Cleaners?

PATTY

Sure—my mother had a Hudson.

MICHAEL

But you don’t?

PATTY

I don’t vacuum.

MICHAEL

That’s why our business is suffering.

PATTY

Your business?

MICHAEL

My grandfather started the company. My father left it to me, so now I run it.

PATTY

Whoa—I’m having drinks with the Hudson Vacuum Cleaner Company!

MICHAEL

The Hudson Certified Vacuum Cleaner and Floor Care Company, to be precise.

PATTY

Certified, huh?

MICHAEL

I’m sorry it’s not something sexier.

PATTY

Oh, I think vacuum cleaners are very sexy. All that sucking!

MICHAEL

You can be naughty, can’t you? And what do you do?

PATTY

I’m a stripper.

(laughing)

Kidding!

MICHAEL

See—your friends don’t know you.

PATTY

(suddenly serious)

Before this goes any further—I’m a paralegal at a law firm.

MICHAEL

Interesting.

PATTY

No, it’s not.

MICHAEL

Here in Chicago? Which firm?

PATTY

Can we change the topic? Tell me what you’d like to do after we finish our drinks.

MICHAEL

Thank you for asking. I’d like to go home with you.

PATTY

I like a man that puts it right out there!

MICHAEL

All right, then, I’m putting it right out there.

(suddenly self-conscious)

Or . . . or were you just making conversation?

PATTY

You are cute. You’re the cutest vacuum cleaner president I’ve ever met.

MICHAEL

And you’re the most adorable paralegal I’ve ever met.

PATTY

Let me ask you something, Mr. Hudson Vacuum Cleaner. Are you married?

MICHAEL

Guilty as charged.

PATTY

I figured you hadda be—you’re a type.

MICHAEL

(insulted)

A what?

PATTY

A little old fashioned. You like to run things—you run your company, right? So, you want a wife to run the household.

MICHAEL

My wife had a successful career as a model for a while.

PATTY

And I bet you didn’t like that.

MICHAEL

I didn’t mind. But once we had kids--

PATTY

Right—once there was a household to run, you wanted her home running it.

MICHAEL

I suppose.

PATTY

You’re a dying breed—a very attractive but dying breed.

MICHAEL

I think it’s my turn to ask us to change topics.

PATTY

I’m sorry. When you said you wanted to come over to my place . . .

MICHAEL

Well, going to my place isn’t really an option.

PATTY

Right, right—that’s how I knew. So, now you choose a topic.

MICHAEL

I don’t know—is it old fashioned to have a family?

PATTY

Depends on the family.

MICHAEL

In my case, there’s a whole Hudson clan! I’m so proud of all of them—they’re my backbone.

PATTY

(toasting—mocking slightly)

Here’s to backbone!

QUINN enters. Looks around. Watches PATTY and MICHAEL.

MICHAEL

My brothers and I are as close as brothers can possibly be. Phil. Brian. We hardly ever see each other, but I love them to death. And their kids. And, well, the others in our lives, too. The whole lot of them. Sure, sometimes we have our problems. More than our share, actually. But I just want everyone to get along. Is that too much to ask?

Michael drains his drink.

MICHAEL (CONT’D)

I’ll get off my soapbox now. I think I need a refill. You?

PATTY

(thinking she probably shouldn’t)

Why not?

PATTY hands her glass to MICHAEL. MICHAEL exits with both glasses. QUINN enters and approaches PATTY.

QUINN

May I join you?

PATTY

Sorry, I’m with someone.

QUINN sits.

QUINN

That old guy?

PATTY

(outraged)

Do you mind?

QUINN

Who is he—your father or something?

PATTY

None of your business!

QUINN

You looked like you wanted to be rescued.

QUINN holds out his hand.

QUINN (CONT’D)

Quinn.

PATTY ignores QUINN’S hand.

PATTY

My friend’s coming back any minute, so please go.

QUINN

That’s cool.

QUINN stands. Hands PATTY his card.

QUINN (CONT’D)

Call me or text me after you ditch grandpa.

PATTY

(studying his card)

A lawyer, huh? Are you married?

QUINN

(showing his ring-free hands)

Nope—completely free.

PATTY

Sorry, Quinn—not interested.

QUINN exits. MICHAEL returns with their drinks. Sits.

MICHAEL

Was that guy bothering you?

PATTY

I can handle myself.

MICHAEL

Let me explain something. My wife’s a wonderful woman. Not just beautiful. Warm and sharp as a tack. We’ve been married for thirty-five years.

PATTY

I’d like to meet her some time.

MICHAEL

Well, I . . . uh . . .

PATTY

Kidding!

MICHAEL

Oh. You’d probably like her, though. Everyone does.

PATTY

I’ve known lots of guys like you. I don’t care how perfect the marriage—eventually men get bored and need other women.

MICHAEL

You don’t understand.

PATTY

No, I do understand—that’s what I’m trying to tell you.

MICHAEL

Look, I don’t cheat on my wife because—I mean I don’t go out with other women because I’m bored with my wife.

PATTY

Then why? Not that it matters.

MICHAEL

Because we don’t have sex anymore.

PATTY

Well, women can get bored, too.

MICHAEL

No, no. I better explain.

PATTY

Men and their explanations.

MICHAEL

My wife can’t have sex.

PATTY

Wives and their excuses!

MICHAEL

She’s confined to a wheelchair.

PATTY

(sincerely)

Oh, I’m sorry.

MICHAEL

Has been for years.

PATTY

What’s wrong with her?

MICHAEL

She has MS. Multiple Sclerosis.

PATTY

Poor thing.

MICHAEL

It’s been hard.

PATTY

For her especially.

MICHAEL

Right, but for me, too. So, what can I do?

(a confession)

I need female companionship.

PATTY

You mean sex.

MICHAEL

(more confession)

Right.

PATTY

(with disapproval)

And she’s home right now?

MICHAEL

Right.

PATTY

And you’re here?

MICHAEL

Last time I checked.

PATTY

(with increasing disapproval)

Is anyone with her?

MICHAEL

She doesn’t need full-time care.

PATTY

(suddenly formal)

Well, thank you for the Singapore Slings, Mr. Hudson. It was very nice meeting you.

PATTY stands up.

MICHAEL

(annoyed)

Wait a second—you can’t leave!

PATTY

Isn’t this still America?

MICHAEL

But we were having such a good time. I thought you liked me.

PATTY

I thought so, too.

MICHAEL

(earnestly)

Look, please sit down a moment. You can still leave, but just let me clear the air.

PATTY sits back down.

MICHAEL

Look—my wife and I had a pretty normal life for a while. But it’s a progressive disease. Eventually it takes its toll. And the sex . . . well, it’s not really much of an option anymore.

PATTY

Does she know where you are tonight?

MICHAEL

I don’t know.

PATTY

Oh, c’mon! You’d just walk out on a woman in a wheelchair without saying anything?

MICHAEL

It’s kind of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation.

PATTY

(dryly)

How nice for you.

MICHAEL

Look, we love each other very much. She just wants me to be happy.

PATTY

(sarcastically)

I bet.

MICHAEL

Seriously. When things began to go downhill, she made it very clear she knew I had to do what I had to do—and she’s fine with it.

PATTY

What? Are you carrying a letter of reference from her?

MICHAEL

She just doesn’t want to know—doesn’t want it rubbed in her face.

PATTY

But it can’t be much fun having your wife’s permission. Sneaking around’s the part guys love the most. Knowing that if they ever got caught, they’d be in really big trouble—maybe even lose the kids.

MICHAEL

I’m not saying I want her to find out.

PATTY

(revving up)

Yeah, yeah, but picture this—the police car drives up to—where’d you say you live?

MICHAEL

I didn’t.

(finally)

I live in Kenilworth.

PATTY

Oh, very classy! So, they drive up to your house in Kenilworth, and the officer says, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we nabbed your husband during a raid on a whorehouse.” Now, this would wreck most marriages, but your wife just thanks the officer, and says she hopes you had a good time, dear!

MICHAEL

(annoyed)

What makes you so high and mighty? Do you crucify all the married men you sleep with?

PATTY

My married men don’t have wives in wheelchairs.

MICHAEL

(pleading his case)

But what would you do in my place? No, really—tell me! Your husband’s in a wheelchair. You have needs. What would you do?

PATTY

I don’t know. Maybe I’d take a lover. Someone steady. Someone who understood.

MICHAEL

Exactly. That’s why I have a lover.

PATTY

You mean you’re cheating on the woman you cheat on your wife with?!

MICHAEL

You’re making this sound much more sordid than it is. She’s a widow. We’ve been together for several years now. We’ve got a great relationship. I even help her out with her kids—you know, financially and otherwise.

PATTY

(starting to be impressed)

Whoa—you’re a lot more complicated than I thought.

MICHAEL

Is that a compliment?

PATTY

Tell me about her.

MICHAEL

I just did. Her husband died several years ago. She was looking for company.

PATTY

You mean sex.

MICHAEL

Sure, but it turned into something much more than that.

PATTY

So, why are you catting around?

MICHAEL

I don’t know—she’s out of town. It seemed like a good opportunity.

PATTY

You really are something!

MICHAEL

I guess I should’ve stopped way back before I mentioned my wife.

PATTY

I’m in no position to judge.

MICHAEL

Oh, are you married, too?

PATTY

No! Well, once. The guy cheated on me from day one. Wasn’t even subtle about it.

MICHAEL

How horrible!

PATTY looks right at him.

PATTY

Really?

MICHAEL looks down or away.

PATTY

So, I started sleeping around, too. Am I shocking you? Anyway, that’s my story.

MICHAEL

What happened to your husband?

PATTY

I divorced him and decided I was through with marriage.

MICHAEL

(in an avuncular way)

Oh, don’t say that. Just because you had an unfortunate marriage doesn’t mean your next one would have to be like that.

PATTY

Trust me, it would.

MICHAEL

Don’t you want kids?

PATTY

No.

MICHEL

Oh, I love kids! Not just my own. I told you my brothers have kids—well, one each. Julia lives out in LA—that’s Phil’s daughter. What a woman! I love her like my own daughter. And then there’s Sebastian—that’s Brian’s son. Poor Brian—he’s never been the same since his divorce, so I’ve taken Sebastian under my wing. He runs our Denver office, but if things work out, I’m thinking of leaving the whole company to him. Or I don’t know—maybe to Julia. I bet she’d be a real dynamo. And I told you about Kate’s kids.

PATTY

Who’s Kate?

MICHAEL

The widow.

PATTY

Oh, right—you’re taking care of her children, too. Well, I’m very happy you’ve got your own Brady Bunch, but I don’t need kids—mine or anyone else’s.

MICHAEL

How about companionship?

PATTY

I’ve got plenty, so save your breath. I’m like you—I like sex, and I don’t care who I hurt along the way. I almost prefer it that way.

MICHAEL

I don’t understand.