Full-Length Play

In the beginning there was ... the spin. 

What. happens when those who spin the truth for a living find their lies backfiring in their own lives? Trevor Greystone is a prime specimen of the PR species, a professional paid to put the best possible face on everything. At the moment, all he wants from life is to be left in peace to study his German lessons, but he keeps being interrupted by people who pour their heart out to him and become infuriated when he minimizes their problems. Despite his calm exterior, however, we soon discover that his life is spinning out of control and that his German lessons are part of a plan--if an odd one--to free himself from his past and make amends for some of the lies he has perpetuated. 

Full script available at the National New Play Network's New Play Exchange (NPX). Click here.

Or see EXCERPT below.

LENGTH: 1 hour 30 minutes (no intermission)

CAST: 3M, 2F (9 characters) 

SETTING

The Greystone living room in New Rochelle, New York.

TIME

2003.

CHARACTERS

Trevor Greystone. Male. 40s. Works in Public Relations. Married with college-age daughter.

Elizabeth (Beth) Greystone. Female. 40s. Married to Trevor. Teacher.Intelligent and competent. Hardened by her anger. Amiable but secretive.

Jerry Hobart. Male. 40s. Trevor's neighbor and best friend. Married. A friendly guy.

Chuck O'Brien. Male. 19. College student. Pushy and goofy. 

Margaret Allen. Female. 50s. Single. Timid and fearful.

Ira Klopnick. Male. 30s. Single. Struggling songwriter with low self esteem.

Louie Allemano. Male. 40s. Married. A womanizer.

Dr. Vivian Sedler. Female. Late 70s. Therapist. (Speaks with a German accent.) Wise and supportive, but weary--aware that her time is running out.

PRODUCTION HISTORY 

2010: READING, Great Plains Theatre Conference Playlabs, Omaha, NE.

2008: READING, Friday Night Footlights, Dramatists Guild, New York City.  

HONORS

2017: SEMI-FINALIST, Cimientos, IATI Theater, New York City. 

2008: RUNNER-UP, the 2008 Robert J. Pickering Award for Playwriting Excellence, Coldwater, Michigan.

The cast of The German Lesson, 2010 Great Plains Theatre Conference Playlabs, Omaha, NE

EXCERPT:

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

March 2003. A Saturday afternoon. The Greystone family living room in New Rochelle, NY. A small Audio Machine sits on a table. We hear the voice of a GERMAN INSTRUCTOR (VOICEOVER). TREVOR GREYSTONE is straightening up the room, preparing for company. While he works, he tries his best to keep up with the lesson and imitate the instructor’s voice.   

GERMAN INSTRUCTOR VOICEOVER

Very good. Next question: Ist das Hotel schön? *

[Pronunciation: Isst dass hotel shern?]

[*Translation: Is the hotel nice?]

TREVOR GREYSTONE

Ist das Hotel schön? *

[Pronunciation: Isst dass hotel shern?]

VOICEOVER

Ja, das Hotel ist schön.

[Yah, das hotel isst shern.]

[Yes, the hotel is nice.]

TREVOR GREYSTONE

Ja, das Hotel ist schön. Das Hotel ist schön.

[Yah, das hotel isst shern.]

(joking)

It is so schön! So beautiful!

VOICEOVER

(sternly)

In German please! Auf Deutsch bitte!

[Owf doych bitta!]

TREVOR

I just said it in German—Schön! Schön! Schön!

VOICEOVER

Very good. Next question: Ist die Katze blau?

[Isst dee kaht-za blow (ow as in cow)?] 

[Is the cat blue?]

TREVOR

Ist die Katze blau?

[Isst dee kaht-za blow (ow as in cow)?] 

VOICEOVER

Nein, die Katze ist nicht blau. 

           [Nine, dee kaht-za isst neesht blow (ow as in

           cow).]                                             

[No, the cat is not blue.]

TREVOR

Nein, die Katze ist nicht blau. Die Katze ist nicht blau.

[Nine, dee kaht-za isst neesht blow

(ow as in cow).]                                             

(joking)

Of course, the cat’s not blue! What are you thinking?

VOICEOVER

Smart aleck! 

TREVOR

(mocking the Voiceover)

In German please! Auf Deutsch bitte!

VOICEOVER

Schlauberger!

[Shlow (ow as in cow)-berger]

TREVOR

Schlauberger?

[Shlow (ow as in cow)-berger]

Oh, I like that! It sounds so much meaner in German.

VOICEOVER

May I please get on with the lesson?

TREVOR

Of course. I mean— Natürlich!

[nott-erl-ish]

VOICEOVER

Very good. Next question: Ist das Haus schmutzig?  

[Isst dass house-shmoot-zick?]

[Is the house dirty?]

TREVOR

Ist das Haus—

[Isst dass house—]

(suddenly)

Stop!

(frustrated)

How can I ever learn German with just two weeks left? Why am I doing this to myself? 

TREVOR goes to look at himself in a mirror.

TREVOR (CONT’D)

Gott im Himmel!

[Got im him-mell!]

[God in heaven!]

VOICEOVER

Gott im Himmel! God in heaven!

TREVOR

(to the Voiceover)

Very good.

(beat)

No, wait! That’s your line!

VOICEOVER

Sorry. Es tut mir Leid

[Ess toot meer lie-d]

TREVOR turns off the machine. Resumes looking at himself in the mirror. 

TREVOR

Look at you, Trevor Greystone! You’re a mess! Look at those bags! Have you been

sleeping at all? And people coming tonight! Why did I agree to that? 

TREVOR sits down. 

TREVOR (CONT’D)

They’re going to know things aren’t all right—those sick little busybodies! 

(beat)

Am I supposed to serve them food? Executive decision: no food! Good. Drinks? Clearly no alcohol. Water and soda. Period. 

TREVOR takes a deep death. Relaxes.

TREVOR (CONT’D)

That’s better. I can do this! I have to do this! Okay, back to my lesson!

TREVOR gets up. Turns the Machine back on.

VOICEOVER

Are you all right, Trevor? Geht es dir gut?

[Gate ess deer goot?]

[Are you all right?]

TREVOR

Yes, I’m fine. Sehr gut!

[Zayr-goot!]

[Very good!?]

VOICEOVER

Wirklich?

[Verrk-leesh?]

[Really?]

TREVOR

YES, REALLY!!

VOICEOVER

Okay, then. Let’s resume. Next question: Wo ist das Telefon?

[Voh isst dass tell-e-fun?]

[Where is the phone?]

TREVOR

Wo ist das Telefon?

[Voh isst dass tell-e-fun?]

The doorbell rings.

TREVOR 

Ach! Hold on! Ich komme! I’m coming!

[Achh! Eesh kum-ma!]

TREVOR opens the door. 

TREVOR (CONT’D)

(acknowledging his visitor)

Wilkommen in meinem Haus!

[Veel-kum-min in my-nem house.]

[Welcome to my house!]

(unsure)

Or wait—is it zu meinem Haus?

[Tsoo my-nem house?]

(finally)

Oh, just come in, Jerry!

JERRY HOBART enters hesitatingly.

JERRY HOBART

Do I have the right house? The last time I checked, the Greystones spoke English.

VOICEOVER

Das telefon steht auf dem tisc.h

[Das tell-e-fun shtayt owf daym tish.]

[The telephone is on the table.]

TREVOR

(ignoring Jerry)

Das telefon steht auf dem tisch. Das telefon steht auf dem tisch.

[Das tell-e-fun shtayt owf daym tish.]

VOICEOVER

Next question: Wie alt ist Heinrich?

[Vee ahlt isst Hine-rick?]

[How old is Heinrich?]

JERRY

You know, if you go off and join the Nazi party, it’s gonna mean the end of our friendship. 

(beat)

What are you doing, anyway?

TREVOR

I’m practicing my German.

JERRY

I didn’t know you had a German. 

TREVOR turns off the Machine.

TREVOR

German. Deutsch. The language of Goethe [pronounced Gerta], Hegel, and Brecht.

JERRY

Was that a Nazi law firm?

TREVOR

Would you please spare me the Nazi jokes?

JERRY

That would eliminate half of my repertoire! 

TREVOR

(exasperated)

I don’t have time for this! Can’t you see I’m busy?

(more forcefully)

There’s more to German and Germany than the Nazis, you know!

JERRY

Well, don’t tell my grandparents that—they spent time at Dachau.

TREVOR

(suddenly serious)

Oh, I’m sorry, Jerry. You never mentioned that before.

JERRY

Yeah—they took a Biscotti Bus Tour of Germany’s concentration camps. 

TREVOR

Very funny.

JERRY

No, seriously—they took lots of pictures. 

TREVOR

(impatiently)

Okay—why did you stop by? 

JERRY

I’m your best friend. I don’t need a reason.

TREVOR

I’m kind of busy here. I’ve got people coming over tonight—and I’ve got to finish my

German lesson.

JERRY

Why are you studying German, anyway?

TREVOR

I don’t have time to explain that right now. Please—you’ve got to go.

JERRY sits.

JERRY

It’s okay. I won’t disturb you. I’ll just sit here. Don’t mind me. 

Frustrated, TREVOR turns the Machine back on.

VOICEOVER

Let’s learn some proverbs: Friendship is golden: Freundschaft ist golden.

[Froynd-shahft isst golden.]

TREVOR

Freundschaft ist golden.

[Froynd-shahft isst golden.]

JERRY

(mocking Trevor and the CD)

“Freud’s shaft is golden?” That’s a bit provocative, don’t you think?   

VOICEOVER

Tomorrow is another day: Morgen ist ein neuer Tag.

[Mor-gen isst eye-n noy-er tahk.]

TREVOR

Morgen ist ein neuer Tag

[Mor-gen isst eye-n noy-er tahk.]

JERRY

“Morgan is annoying Tod?” Then tell him to stop already!

TREVOR turns off the Machine.

TREVOR

(cutting Jerry off)

Jerry, this isn’t working.

JERRY

Maybe you need a tutor.

TREVOR

Would you mind coming back later?

JERRY

I’ll be quiet. I promise.

TREVOR

Is Kate’s mother here again? Are you hiding out?

JERRY

Where’s Elizabeth, speaking of wives?

TREVOR

Visiting her father.

JERRY

Again? She was there the last time I stopped by.

TREVOR

He’s still ill. Anyway, I’m enjoying the chance to focus on my German.

JERRY

There you go again! Your German what? Shepherd? Measles? Potato salad?

TREVOR

Bad jokes don’t get any better with repetition.

JERRY

Seriously—how’s Beth? I haven’t seen her in ages.

TREVOR

She’s fine. Spectacular as always.

JERRY

Is she doing this German thing, too?

TREVOR

No, just me.

JERRY

And Caroline?

TREVOR

She already hates French. I’d never get her to study German, too.

JERRY

No, I mean how’s she getting on at Brown?

TREVOR

Oh, she’s fine. Doing all the usual fun college things. You know—annoying her roommates; going to football games to watch young men inflict massive injury on each other; waiting till the very last minute to start working on her papers and then pleading for extensions—  

JERRY

I haven’t seen her in ages either.

TREVOR

You know college kids—you only see them when they run out of money. 

JERRY bursts out crying.

TREVOR (CONT’D)

Why should that upset you? She’s my daughter. It’s my money—and I’m fine.

JERRY

I’m sorry. I’ve been doing this a lot lately. For no reason, I just start crying.

TREVOR

I think I just read something about this in Scientific American. Something about the male brain. How it changes as we age. We lose control of our emotions. Then suddenly, we start to cry. 

JERRY starts crying again.

JERRY

So, that’s what you think’s happening to me?

TREVOR

Just a hypothesis.

JERRY

But I don’t have anything to cry about. 

TREVOR

I think that was the point of the article.

(impatiently)

Also, was machen wir hier?

[Ahl-zo, vass mahchh-en veer heer?]

JERRY

What?

TREVOR

So, what are we doing here?

JERRY

You’re practicing your German, and I’m crying—just your typical Saturday afternoon in New Rochelle.

TREVOR

And I’m thoroughly enjoying it, but don’t you think we’d be more successful at our tasks in private?

JERRY

I lied.

TREVOR

You mean your parents never took that bus tour?

JERRY

I said I have nothing to cry about. But I do.

TREVOR

Oh? Good! Mystery solved! 

TREVOR turns the Machine back on. 

VOICEOVER

Everyone needs a family: Jeder Mensch braucht ein Familie.        

[Yay-der mensh browchht (ow as in cow) eye-n fa-meel-ee-ay.]

TREVOR

Jeder Mensch braucht— 

[Yay-der mensh browchht (ow as in cow)—]        

JERRY

(cutting him off)

Don’t you want to know what I’m crying about?!

TREVOR

Of course, not—that’s your personal business.

JERRY

But I want to tell you! I need to tell you.

TREVOR turns off the Machine.

TREVOR

(softening) 

Of course—tell me.

JERRY starts to cry again.

TREVOR

It’s okay. Take your time.

JERRY

(crying)

Kate’s leaving me.

TREVOR

What?! When?

JERRY

She doesn’t know I know.

TREVOR

Then how do you know?

JERRY

Okay, I don’t know she’s leaving me. I just know she’s having an affair.

TREVOR

Oh, is that all? Everyone has affairs.

JERRY

I don’t! Wait, are you telling me you’ve cheated on Beth?

TREVOR

Not exactly. Well, it’s complicated.

JERRY

What’s going on?

TREVOR

It’s nothing! And we were talking about you and Kate. All I’m saying is that if Kate is having an affair, it may not be anything serious. 

JERRY

I snuck a look at her emails last night. She’s been exchanging very hot ones with

someone named GreenwichHunk632. 

TREVOR

Oh, people lie online all the time. It might just be a 13-year-old girl.

JERRY

Are you saying my wife’s a lesbian?

TREVOR

If the girl’s 13, that would make Kate a child molester, not a lesbian. 

JERRY

(outraged)

Trevor!

TREVOR

I’m just saying—you’re getting ahead of yourself. You don’t know anything about this hunky Greenwich person. 

JERRY

So, you think he really is hunky? They’re making plans. He invited her to come up to see him in Connecticut this afternoon. 

TREVOR

That was silly. They could just as easily meet after work one night in the city, and no one would ever know.

JERRY

Whose side are you on?!

TREVOR

Who has an affair on a Saturday afternoon? Maybe it’s something innocent. Don’t you have a birthday coming up?

JERRY

And he may not be the only one. She goes online all the time—sometimes for hours on end. I’ve caught her in the middle of the night. 

TREVOR

Maybe she just has insomnia.

JERRY

She doesn’t have insomnia! And if she did, she could read a book.

TREVOR

Maybe she doesn’t like to read.

JERRY

I know my wife! You don’t know my wife!

TREVOR

I’m just trying to help.

JERRY

And the mysterious appointments. The disappearances. I don’t always know where she is or where she’s been. 

TREVOR

A person’s entitled to some privacy.

JERRY

(exploding)

Trevor! Jesus! What’s the matter with you? Has your perfect life made you indifferent to the sufferings of us lesser mortals?

TREVOR

Who says my life’s perfect?

JERRY

You have a perfect wife—you called her “spectacular”—and a brilliant daughter at an Ivy League school. While my wife’s a cyberspace slut, and my twins are struggling their way through some far-flung branch of SUNY in a town no one’s ever heard of. 

TREVOR

(sudden change of tone—dismissively)

I can’t handle this right now. 

(irritated)

You’re not the only one with problems, you know!

JERRY

What problems?

TREVOR

(stiff and formally)

Excuse me, but I have things to do.

TREVOR turns the Machine back on. 

VOICEOVER

Let’s greet some friends: Wie geht es, Herr Schopenhauer?

[Vee gayt ess, hair Schopenhauer?]

[How are you, Mr. Schopenhauer?]

TREVOR

Wie geht es, Herr Schopenhauer?

[Vee gayt ess, hair Schopenhauer?]

JERRY

Don’t you care? My wife’s leaving me! 

TREVOR

You’re welcome to follow along. Otherwise, please be quiet. 

VOICEOVER

Danke sehr gut, Georg.

[Dahnk-a zayr goot, Gay-org]

[Fine, thanks, Georg.]

TREVOR

Danke sehr gut, Georg. Danke sehr gut, Georg.

[Dahnk-a zayr goot, Gay-org]

JERRY

Trevor! I’m 50 years old! I can’t start out all over again! I’m ruined!

VOICEOVER

Wie geht es, Herr Hegel?

[Vee gayt ess, hair Hay-gull?]

[How are you, Mr. Hegel?]

TREVOR

Wie geht es, Herr Hegel?  

[Vee gayt ess, hair Hay-gull?]

(to Jerry)

C’mon, Jerry! Try it. You’ll feel better. Wie geht es, Herr Hegel?                            

(encouraging him)

Wie geht es, Herr Hegel?

JERRY

“Bill Gates’ hairy bagel.” 

TREVOR

Be serious!

VOICEOVER

Phantastisch!

[Fahn-tahss-teesh!]

[Fantastic!]

TREVOR

(enthusiastically)

Phantastisch!

[Fahn-tahss-teesh!]

JERRY

(flatly)

Phantastisch.

[Fahn-tahss-teesh.]

TREVOR

C’mon, you’ve really got to throw yourself into it.

VOICEOVER

Let’s go on a train trip: Wo ist der Bahnhof?

[Vō isst dare bahn-hawff?]

[Where is the train station?]

JERRY

(screaming with mock enthusiasm)

Wo ist der Bahnhof?!!

[Vō isst dare bahn-hawff?]

TREVOR

That’s the spirit! 

VOICEOVER

Wo ist die Wechselstube?

[Vō isst dee veck-sell-stoob-a?]

[Where is the currency exchange?]

TREVOR

Wo ist die—

[Vō isst dee…]

(struggling)

Wechsel— die wechsel—

[Vechh-sell—dee veck-sell..]

JERRY

C’mon, that’s an easy one. Wechselstube! Wechselstube!

[Veck-sell-stoob-a! Veck-sell-stoob-a!]

VOICEOVER

Wo ist die Gepäckaufbewahrung, der Herrentoilette, und die Fahrkartenschalter?

[Vō isst dee ge-peck-owf-be-vahr-ung, dare herr-en-twah-let-ta, oond dee far-kar-ten-shawl-terr?]

[Where is the baggage checkroom, the men’s room, and the ticket office?] 

TREVOR

(to Voiceover)

Are you kidding me?!

TREVOR gets up suddenly. Turns off the Machine.

TREVOR (CONT’D)

I think that’s enough German for today.

JERRY

Jeez—I was just getting into it!

The doorbell rings. 

TREVOR

Saved by the Glockenklang!

TREVOR opens the door. Chuck O’Brien enters.

CHUCK O’BRIEN

Hey, Mr. Greystone!

CHUCK charges past TREVOR into the room. 

. . . 

END OF EXCERPT