Full-Length Play
The German Lesson
A Play by William Ivor Fowkes
In the beginning there was ... the spin.
LENGTH: 1 hour 30 minutes (no intermission)
CAST: 3M, 2F (9 characters)
The cast of The German Lesson, 2010 Great Plains Theatre Conference Playlabs, Omaha, NE
PRODUCTION HISTORY
Presented as THE GERMAN LESSON at the 2010 Great Plains Theatre Conference Playlabs in Omaha, NE on June 2010.
First reading (as THE GERMAN LESSON) held at the Dramatists Guild in New York, April 2008
AWARD
Runner-up (as THE GERMAN LESSON) for the 2008 Robert J. Pickering Award for Playwrighting Excellence, Coldwater, Michigan
SYNOPSIS
THE GERMAN LESSON is about spinning the truth. For many politicians and public relations spin-doctors, the truth is whatever they say it is. Sadly, this strategy works to an astonishing degree. But what happens when those who spin the truth for a living find their lies backfiring in their own lives? In this play, Trevor Greystone is a prime specimen of the PR species, a professional paid to put the best possible spin on things. Despite his calm exterior, however, we discover that his life is spinning out of control and that he has a plan to free himself from his past and make amends for some of the lies he has committed. In the end, this play is about self-deception, self-knowledge, and authenticity.
SETTING
The Greystone living room in New Rochelle, New York.
TIME
2003
CAST BREAKDOWN
A Cast of 5
Actor # 1
Trevor Greystone. Works in PR. Married with daughter. Likeable and easy to please, but secretive. Age 48.
Actor # 2
Jerry Hobart. Jerry’s neighbor and best friend. Married. A friendly guy. Age 50.
Louie Allemano. Married. Cocky. Obnoxious. A womanizer. Age 40s.
Actor # 3
Chuck O'Brien. College student. Athletic. A bit pushy and goofy. Age 19.
Ira Klopnick. Struggling songwriter. Single. Frustrated, pessimistic, and insecure. Age 30s.
Actor # 4
German Instructor (voiceover).
Margaret Allen. Single. Timid. Fearful. Age 50s.
Dr. Vivian Sedler. Therapist. Speaks with an accent. Wise and supportive but weary. Age 75.
Actor # 5
Beth Greystone. Trevor’s wife. Intelligent and competent. Hardened by her anger. Age 40s.
SCENES
Scene 1. March 2003. A Saturday afternoon. German Instructor Voiceover, Trevor Hudson, Jerry Hobart, Chuck O'Brien, Margaret Allen.
Scene 2. That evening. Trevor, Ira Klopnick, Louie Allemano, Margaret.
Scene 3. The next Saturday afternoon. German Instructor Voiceover, Trevor, Beth Greystone.
Scene 4. FLASHBACK: Two months earlier. Trevor, Dr. Vivian Sedler.
Scene 5. Late March 2003 (two weeks after the beginning of the play). German Instructor Voiceover, Trevor, Beth, Jerry, Chuck, Dr. Sedler.
AN EXCERPT
Scene 1: March 2003. A Saturday afternoon. The Greystone family living room in New Rochelle, NY.
A German lesson CD is playing. Trevor Greystone is straightening things up, preparing for company. He imitates the voice on the CD as best he can.
VOICEOVER
Very good. Next question: Ist das Hotel schön? [*Translation: Is the hotel nice?]
TREVOR GREYSTONE
Ja, das Hotel ist schön. [Yes, the hotel is nice.]
VOICEOVER
Very good. Next question: Ist die Katze blau? [Is the cat blue?]
TREVOR
Nein, die Katze ist NICHT blau. [No, the cat is NOT blue.]
VOICEOVER
Very good. Next question: Ist das Haus schmutzig? [Is the house dirty?]
TREVOR
(suddenly)
Stop!!
Trevor turns off the CD player.
TREVOR
Enough already! “Das ist genug!” Why am I doing this to myself?
Trevor goes to look at himself in a mirror.
TREVOR
Gott im Himmel! [God in heaven!] Look at you! You’re a mess, Trevor Greystone! I wouldn’t want you. … Look at those bags! Have you been sleeping at all? … And people coming tonight! Why did I agree to that? They’re going to know things aren’t all right—those sick little busybodies!
Trevor sits down. Puts his face in his hands for a moment.
TREVOR
(coming up for air—calmly)
Okay. Let’s review.
(slowly—pointing to each body part)
Das Gesicht.
[The face.]
Das Haar.
[The hair.]
Die Augen.
[The eyes.]
Der Mund.
[The mouth.]
Die Ohren.
[The ears.]
(speeding up)
Das Haus.
[The house.]
Die Tür.
[The door.]
Das Fenster.
[The window.]
Das Dach.
[The roof.]
Der Boden.
[The floor.]
Das Auto.
[The car.]
Das Flugzeug.
[The airplane.]
Der Zug.
[The train.]
Die U-Bahn.
[The subway.]
Die Autobahn.
[The highway.]
(fed up)
Ah!!!!!!!
(calming down)
Okay…deep breaths. … In. … Out. … Good. … Calm. … Am I supposed to serve them food? … Executive decision: no food. Good. … Drinks? … Clearly no alcohol. Water and soda. Period. … Okay, back to my lesson.
Trevor gets up. Turns the CD player back on.
VOICEOVER
Geht es dir gut? [Are you all right?]
TREVOR
Yes, I’m fine.
VOICEOVER
Wirklich? [Really?]
TREVOR
YES, REALLY!!
VOICEOVER
Okay, then. Next question: Wo ist das Telefon? [Where is the phone?]
The doorbell rings.
TREVOR
Ach! Ich komme! I’m coming!
Trevor opens the door.
TREVOR
(acknowledging his visitor)
Wilkommen in meinem Haus! … [Welcome to my house!]
(unsure)
Or is it ZU meinem Haus?
(beat)
Oh, just come in, Jerry!
Jerry Hobart enters hesitatingly.
JERRY HOBART
Do I have the right house? The last I checked, the Greystones spoke English.
TREVOR
(joking)
Haven’t you heard? We’re becoming polyglots.
JERRY
Poly-whats?
VOICEOVER
Next question: Wie alt ist Heinrich? [How old is Heinrich?]
JERRY
You know, if you go off and join the Nazi party, it’s gonna mean the end of our friendship.
(beat)
What are you doing, anyway?
TREVOR
I’m practicing my German.
JERRY
I didn’t know you had a German.
Trevor turns off the machine.
TREVOR
German. Deutsch. The language of Goethe [pronounced Gerta], Hegel, and Brecht.
JERRY
Was that a Nazi law firm?
TREVOR
Would you please spare me the Nazi jokes?
JERRY
That would eliminate half of my repertoire!
TREVOR
(exasperated)
I don’t have time for this! There’s more to German and Germany than the Nazis, you know.
JERRY
Well, don’t tell my grandparents that—they spent time at Dachau, you know.
TREVOR
(suddenly serious)
Oh, I’m sorry, Jerry. You never mentioned that before.
JERRY
Yeah—they took a Biscotti Bus Tour of Germany’s concentration camps.
TREVOR
Very funny.
JERRY
No, seriously—they took lots of pictures.
TREVOR
(impatiently)
Okay—why did you stop by?
JERRY
I’m your best friend. I don’t need a reason.
TREVOR
I’m kind of busy here. I’ve got people coming over tonight—and I’ve got to finish my German lesson.
Jerry sits.
JERRY
I won’t disturb you. I’ll just sit here. … Don’t mind me.
TREVOR
Well… Okay, then.
Trevor turns the CD player back on.
VOICEOVER
Let’s learn some proverbs: Friendship is golden: Freundschaft ist golden.
TREVOR
Freundschaft ist golden.
JERRY
(mocking Trevor and the CD)
“Freud’s shaft is golden?” … That’s a bit provocative, don’t you think?
VOICEOVER
Tomorrow is another day: Morgen ist ein neuer Tag.
TREVOR
Morgen ist ein neuer Tag
JERRY
“Morgan is annoying Tod?” Then tell him to stop already!
Trevor turns off the player.
TREVOR
(cutting Jerry off)
This isn’t working.
JERRY
Maybe you should try harder.
TREVOR
Would you mind coming back later?
JERRY
I’ll be quiet. I promise.
TREVOR
Is Kate’s mother here again? Are you hiding out?
JERRY
Where’s Elizabeth, speaking of wives?
TREVOR
Visiting her father.
JERRY
Again? She was there the last time I stopped by.
TREVOR
He’s still ill. Anyway, I’m enjoying the chance to focus on my German.
JERRY
There you go again! Your German what? … Shepherd? … Measles? … Potato salad?
TREVOR
Bad jokes don’t get any better with repetition.
JERRY
Seriously—how’s Beth? I haven’t seen her in ages.
TREVOR
She’s fine. Spectacular as always.
JERRY
Is she doing this German thing, too?
TREVOR
No, just me.
JERRY
And Caroline?
TREVOR
She already hates French. I’d never get her to study German, too.
JERRY
No, I mean how’s she getting on at Brown?
TREVOR
Oh, she’s fine. Doing all the usual fun college things—you know, like annoying her roommates; going to football games to watch young men inflict massive injury on each other; waiting till the very last minute to start working on her papers and then pleading for extensions…
JERRY
I haven’t seen HER in ages either.
TREVOR
You know college kids—you only see them when they run out of money.
Jerry bursts out crying.
TREVOR
Why should that upset you? She’s MY daughter. It’s MY money—and I’m fine.
JERRY
I’m sorry. I’ve been doing this a lot lately. For no reason, I just start crying.
TREVOR
I was just reading something about this in Scientific American. Apparently there’s an enzyme in the male brain that controls emotions. But it starts to dry up as we age—and then, suddenly, we start to cry.
Jerry starts crying again.
JERRY
So, that’s what you think’s happening to me?
TREVOR
Just a hypothesis.
JERRY
But I don’t have anything to cry about.
TREVOR
I think that’s the point of the article.
(beat)
Also, was machen wir hier?
JERRY
What?
TREVOR
So, what are we doing here?
JERRY
You’re practicing your German, and I’m crying. … Just your typical Saturday afternoon in New Rochelle.
TREVOR
And I’m thoroughly enjoying it, but don’t you think we’d each be more successful at our task in private?
JERRY
(beat)
I lied.
TREVOR
You mean your parents never took that bus tour?
JERRY
I said I have nothing to cry about. But I do.
TREVOR
Oh? Good—mystery solved!
Trevor turns the CD player back on.
VOICEOVER
Everyone needs a family: Jeder Mensch braucht ein Familie.
TREVOR
Jeder Mensch braucht…
JERRY
(cutting him off)
Don’t you want to know what I’m crying about?!
TREVOR
Of course not—that’s your personal business.
JERRY
But I want to tell you!
Trevor turns off the player.
TREVOR
(softening)
Of course—tell me.
JERRY
Kate’s leaving me.
TREVOR
What?! When?
JERRY
She doesn’t know I know.
TREVOR
Then how do you know?
JERRY
Okay, I don’t know she’s leaving me. I just know she’s having an affair.
TREVOR
Oh, is that all? Everyone has affairs.
JERRY
I don’t! … Wait, are you telling me you’ve cheated on Beth?
TREVOR
Not exactly. … Well, it’s complicated.
JERRY
What’s going on?
TREVOR
It’s nothing! And we were talking about you and Kate. All I’m saying is that if Kate IS having an affair, it may not be anything serious.
JERRY
I snuck a look at her emails last night. She’s been exchanging some very hot ones with someone named GreenwichHunk.
TREVOR
Oh, people lie on line all the time. It might just be a 13-year old girl.
JERRY
Are you saying my wife’s a lesbian?
TREVOR
If the girl’s 13, that would make Kate a child molester, not a lesbian.
JERRY
(outraged)
Trevor!
TREVOR
I’m just saying—you’re getting ahead of yourself. You don’t know anything about this hunky Greenwich person.
JERRY
So, you think he really IS hunky? They’re making plans. He invited her to come up to see him in Connecticut this afternoon.
TREVOR
That was silly. They could just as easily meet after work one night in the city, and no one would ever know.
JERRY
Whose side are you on?!
TREVOR
Who has an affair on a Saturday afternoon? Maybe it’s something innocent. Don’t you have a birthday coming up?
JERRY
And he may not be the only one. She goes on line all the time—sometimes for hours on end. I’ve caught her in the middle of the night.
TREVOR
Maybe she just has insomnia.
JERRY
She doesn’t have insomnia! And if she did, she could read a book.
TREVOR
Maybe she doesn’t like to read.
JERRY
I know my wife! YOU don’t know my wife!
TREVOR
I’m just trying to help.
JERRY
And the mysterious appointments. The disappearances. I don’t always know where she is or where she’s been.
TREVOR
A person’s entitled to some privacy.
JERRY
(exploding)
Trevor! Jesus! What’s the matter with you? Has your perfect little life made you indifferent to the sufferings of us lesser mortals?
TREVOR
Who says my life’s perfect?
JERRY
You have a perfect wife—you called her “spectacular”—and a brilliant daughter at an Ivy League school. While MY wife’s a cyberspace slut, and my twins are struggling their way through some far-flung branch of SUNY in a town no one’s ever heard of.
TREVOR
(sudden change of tone—dismissively)
I can’t handle this right now.
(irritated)
You’re not the only one with problems, you know!
JERRY
What problems?
TREVOR
(stiff and formally)
Excuse me, but I have things to do.
Trevor turns the CD player back on.
VOICEOVER
Let’s greet some friends: Wie geht es, Herr Schopenhauer? [How are you, Mr. Schopenhauer?]
TREVOR
Wie geht es, Herr Schopenhauer?
JERRY
Don’t you care? My wife’s leaving me!
TREVOR
You’re welcome to follow along. Otherwise, please be quiet.
VOICEOVER
Danke sehr gut, Georg. [Fine, thanks, Georg.]
TREVOR
Danke sehr gut, Georg.
JERRY
Trevor! I’m 50 years old! I can’t start out all over again! I’m ruined!
VOICEOVER
Wie geht es, Herr Hegel? [How are you, Mr. Hegel?]
TREVOR
Wie geht es, Herr Hegel?
(to Jerry)
C’mon—try it. You’ll feel better. … Wie geht es, Herr Hegel? …
(encouraging him)
Wie geht es, Herr Hegel?
JERRY
“Bill Gates’ hairy bagel.”
TREVOR
Be serious!
VOICEOVER
Phantastisch! [Fantastic!]
TREVOR
(enthusiastically)
Phantastisch!
JERRY
(flatly)
Phantastisch.
TREVOR
C’mon, you’ve really got to throw yourself into it.
VOICEOVER
Let’s go on a train trip: Wo ist der Bahnhof? [Where is the train station?]
JERRY
(screaming with mock enthusiasm)
Wo ist der Bahnhof?!!
TREVOR
That’s the spirit!
VOICEOVER
Wo ist die Wechselstube? [Where is the currency exchange?]
TREVOR
Wo ist die…
(struggling)
Wechsel… die wechsel…
JERRY
C’mon, that’s an easy one. Wechselstube! Wechselstube!
VOICEOVER
Wo ist die Gepäckaufbewahrung, der Herrentoilette, und die Fahrkartenschalter? [Where is the baggage checkroom, the men’s room, and the ticket office?]
TREVOR
Are you kidding me?
Trevor gets up suddenly. Turns off the machine.
TREVOR
I think that’s enough German for today.
JERRY
Jeez—I was just getting into it!
The doorbell rings.
TREVOR
Saved by the Glockenklang!
Trevor opens the door. Chuck O’Brien enters.
CHUCK O’BRIEN
Hey, Mr. Greystone!
Chuck charges past Trevor into the room. Sees Jerry.
CHUCK
Oh, hey, Mr. Hobart!
Trevor addresses the empty doorway.
TREVOR
Good to see you, Chuck. Why don’t you come in?
Trevor closes the door. Chuck sits. Makes himself at home. Trevor remains standing.
TREVOR
Can I help you?
CHUCK
No thanks—I’m not thirsty.
(to Jerry)
How about you, Mr. Hobart?
JERRY
No, I’m okay.
CHUCK
(to Trevor)
We’re okay.
TREVOR
I mean, why did you stop by?
CHUCK
Oh—I need to see Mrs. Greystone.
TREVOR
She’s not here.
JERRY
She’s visiting her father. He’s ill.
CHUCK
Oh. … Hey, is it okay if I hang out here for a few minutes?
TREVOR
(defeated)
Sure.
Trevor sits.
TREVOR
So…how’s college treating you? Hamilton, right?
CHUCK
No—Colgate.
TREVOR
That’s right—they’re right down the road from each other. Beautiful campuses—we checked them both out on our college tour last year.
JERRY
Please don’t torture me with tales of beautiful college campuses! All the colleges WE visited had concrete plazas and bars on the windows. … Or was that our prison tour?
CHUCK
You took a prison tour? That’s cool!
TREVOR
Jerry’s just trying out some new material for his comedy act.
CHUCK
(to Jerry)
You’ve got a comedy act?
TREVOR
Never mind.
CHUCK
Hey, was that German I heard in here?
JERRY
Yeah, Trevor’s studying German. But he’s not doing very well.
CHUCK
I’m studying German, too!
JERRY
Maybe you could help him.
CHUCK
I’m only taking it because of our foreign language requirement. I was sick of Spanish, so I thought it might be cool. But it’s NOT. It’s really hard! Three different genders. All those declensions. And that weird sentence structure—give me a break! Why are YOU studying it?
TREVOR
I’m planning a trip to Germany.
JERRY
I’m your best friend—how do I not know that?
CHUCK
Carrie never mentioned it.
TREVOR
Caroline’s not going. Neither is her mother. Just me.
JERRY
Oh, it’s a business trip?
TREVOR
Well, PERSONAL business.
JERRY
I don’t get it.
[END OF EXCERPT]